he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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