Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
