I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
