i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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