Yo dont text me then not text me
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
