toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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