WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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