Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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