you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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