There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
