everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
