He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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