My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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