I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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