Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
