just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
