Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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