Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
