i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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