I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We got so high we made milksteak
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
