so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
