and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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