I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
