I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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