I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize