if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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