Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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