There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
