Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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