I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I didn't notice because vodka
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
