Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
