The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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