fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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