my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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