You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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