dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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