Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
