I just pynch a tree in the face
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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