I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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