Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my liver is dry heaving
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
