I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize