If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize