doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
