can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
