I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
