If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
