Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
