How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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