I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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