I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
