I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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