I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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