So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
