What did we do last night that was yellow?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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