Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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