Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
