I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
